The Difficulties of Being a FOCUS Missionary

My Dear Friends,

As I reflect on my first semester as a missionary, it is with a heavy heart that I consider the faults, with rejoicing that I consider next semester's new beginning, and with deep gratitude that I remember your immense generosity.

This first semester I spent a lot of good time figuring out what it means to be a missionary in the evangelical sense (note the lower case "e"). Often I would wake up overjoyed at the prospects of the day: that it was part of the job description to pray a holy hour, go to mass, eat lunch with people, talk about Jesus, witness His saving power in people's lives, spend time with a fun team. But it also often became a job, a grind, so to speak. The strength for our apostolate must come from our relationship with God. It is at these times of fatigue that I can point to distractedness in prayer.

We began the year with strong zeal during our fall outreach. Reflecting back, besides some minor mistakes that our team made generally, for myself I see a slack in zeal as the semester proceeded from fall outreach. The boldness with which I sought students out in the beginning waned as did the semester. I ask your forgiveness and prayers for this, that I would seek Jesus more purely in the sacraments and in prayer, so that, as Fr. Keating said below, my joy would not be based on circumstance, but on the hope which I have in Christ in me, and in His Cross's salvific power. There were good shots in the arm of inspiration periodically, but it is dangerous to rely on these consolations from God. At the same time, it is just as dangerous to over-compensate, so to speak, and begin to rely too much on self. It is always God's grace that we must rely on, but grace comes in many forms. Consolation is just one of them. The great challenge for each of us is loving the Consolator, not the consolation.

When I feel convicted about some action within the apostolate, a difficulty is translating that conviction into action. It is easy for me to sit back and think, "this is the Gospel, the Good News. I need to take it to campus and boldy proclaim it, so that hearts might be revealed". But then put me in the student union in the midst of hundreds of unfamiliar students and it is quite easy to rationalize silence saying "Oh, they're just going to turn a cold shoulder on me--I need to begin a relationship first, which is far too long a process, no one would be interested". Yet that's exactly what we're here for. Certainly there have been the successes, and I can only trust that God will put before me those with whom He has ordained I begin a relationship, but there is the danger that He presents His will to me and I deny it out of passivity and cowardice. Pray for me in this, that I would be blessed with a boldness and zeal for the proclamation of the Kingdom, a zeal for souls that shows forth the love of Jesus, the Incarnate Word made flesh to demonstrate to the world how to love--love no matter what! subject to death, even death on a cross! And I pray for each of you, that in your life you may have this zeal and love as well. Peace be with you in this Third Week of Advent, Gaudete! "Rejoice always!" 1 Thess 5:16